A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
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The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Well, that should do it
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.