Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
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Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.