My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
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I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried