People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
You Might Also Like
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
peeping toms
Love this one 😂🧟
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.