How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
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I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Support your local cemetery
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Is fructose made with real fruct?
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.