[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
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“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
another case of gang violins
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.