Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
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[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
this makes me so uncomfortable
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.