*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
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my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
never deleting this app.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!