“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
You Might Also Like
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.