The only good comments section online is on recipes
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Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
I can fix him.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
These are too funny not to post 😂
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.