Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
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The police never think its as funny as you do.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?