this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
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handsome & gretel
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Single and childfree like Jesus
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me