It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
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“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Body by sandwich.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!