I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
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“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no