Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
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Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
A choir of Spring onions
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Trumpy Cat
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point