[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
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[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.