guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
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I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Golf would be better with landmines.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…