I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
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Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
you stereotypes are all alike
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice