You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
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If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts
*feels the wind in my toe hair
gentlemen, hear me out
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.