*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
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I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.