I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
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Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
True
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
bout dat hot dog summer
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.