I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
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Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
my favorite genre of twitter
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.