When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
You Might Also Like
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]