Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
You Might Also Like
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another