Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
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Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
The 6 types of sex
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels