[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
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swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.