Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
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Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex