Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
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PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”