I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
You Might Also Like
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*