I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
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The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
she has a point
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.