I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
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Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.