TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
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Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Thrilling chase underway
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer