Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
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In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.