Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
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WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
accurate
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean