What kind of a cult is this?
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59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
How high do the levels go?
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
stop
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley