oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
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DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.