[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
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Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
How do horror writers compete with current events?