Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
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Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐