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Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
HOW DARE YOU
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds