Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
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PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.