A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
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Mad Max Arctic Road
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
i actually laughed 😩
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.