[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
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“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
“Huge”.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”