“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
You Might Also Like
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Beware…..
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Why font matters.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.