Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
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No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
mumsnet is amazing
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
¯_(ツ)_/¯
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
🤔😂😂
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire