[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
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twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
jesus, what did this guy do
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
This is a true ally.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?