[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
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*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
my dad has had enough
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Nomnomnomnom
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Bike for sale