This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
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If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read