I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
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I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
My blood type is coffee.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
All excellent questions