SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
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1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
This was my dad’s browser history.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.