If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
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A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”